so its been a couple of days back in the hospital and ive had my ups and downs, everyone has been watching everything ive been eating and making sure i dont throw up, ive been okay though, some times i get the urge but i want to get better and i hope im making it happen! with happy thoughts and my sister and mom by my side, its been very helpful :D
will fill you guys in when i get the chance.
xox. <3
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I use to be so thin.. I miss it..
these pictures are of me when i was down to about 95-90 pounds. I loved it, my goal to get back down to 100- 110.. hm..
I hope this works...
So i woke up today with bad thoughts.
I cant help it, all i think about these days is food.
It sorta calms me down in a way.
Today im going to the hospital.
I have mixed feelings about it.
I no loner really make myself throw up bc im so sick of doing it,
but I stil eat everything, im sure ive gained a couple more pounds.
Its not even that im hungry or anything like that, but simply feel as if someone else is in my body.. I cant even explain it.. Its weird.
I just hope that this week gets me better.
ill be filling you guys in with everything.
take care guys!
I cant help it, all i think about these days is food.
It sorta calms me down in a way.
Today im going to the hospital.
I have mixed feelings about it.
I no loner really make myself throw up bc im so sick of doing it,
but I stil eat everything, im sure ive gained a couple more pounds.
Its not even that im hungry or anything like that, but simply feel as if someone else is in my body.. I cant even explain it.. Its weird.
I just hope that this week gets me better.
ill be filling you guys in with everything.
take care guys!
:p
I just ate two cakes ice cream had about 4 cups of noodles, 7 pieces of bread, fruit, milk and more today. I just had my brother scream at my for eating his chocolate. I dont know what to do sometimes, I need to get out of here.
i didnt throw up, im tired of doing it, my stomach grown so it can now handle the food were before i felt sick and it helped..
Im tired and gaining weight as we speak.
I need to get back in control of my life and what makes me happy and food cant be it.
i didnt throw up, im tired of doing it, my stomach grown so it can now handle the food were before i felt sick and it helped..
Im tired and gaining weight as we speak.
I need to get back in control of my life and what makes me happy and food cant be it.
I think I have decided..
I am not going back to anorexia! I want to loose about 5-10 pounds get back down to 110ish.
Thats when I felt my best, I guess I can work out, but I just hope I dont become obsessed anymore with it, just hope it dosnt suck me right back in..
pray for me please.
xoxo.
Thats when I felt my best, I guess I can work out, but I just hope I dont become obsessed anymore with it, just hope it dosnt suck me right back in..
pray for me please.
xoxo.
boysboysboyss..
So I thought I would fill you guys in with my boy drama since food isnt the only thing on my mind..
So about 3 months ago, me and my long time boyfriend broke up, can you spell D-U-C-H-E B-A-G.
He was the all master cheater, he would manipulate me and make me feel as if i did something wrong when I would question him for the littlest things. I should of seen it coming, well since I actually cheated with him on his ex gf. I felt horrible for it for along time, but shit does happen and Carma is a bitch.
He was just there for me and with me threw the hardest times in my life, he was my first love but I let him get away with way to much, I always looked the other way, and thats not a way to treat a relationship. But with him I felt like it was different, I felt so in love.. but like i once herd, love is blind.
We broke up because he was going to be going to the army but then that night his ex girlfriend emials me asking if me and him were over, I said yes but we were still physical and still wanted to be with each other, we just figured it would be really hard with him leaving, so that we would end things now, wich was nothing but the truth..
she then goes on to tell me he has been telling her he loves her and not me for the past 2 months. He took my virginity while he was in a relationship with her but I did not know.. bc me and him were on a break.
After this I told him I wanted him out of my life for good.
he cried and begged for me to be his friend bc that other girl did not want him anymore.
I stupidly agreed.
&we became physical again..
He would sneak over ( like we always use to do) at 3am and would talk for hours in my brothers room without my mom knowing and make love.
He would tell me he loves this other girl, but i did not hear it, i didnt want too, I loved him so much.
Soon later he calls me and tells me the girl wants him back. I couldnt belive it. He asked me to keep everything we just did to myself. I couldnt, I didnt want to, I loved him, how could he love someone else.. it was beyond me.. I was truly heart broken, I dont think Ive ever cried so hard in my life.
After I told her he told me to go die and we havent really talked since. I might still love him but he wants nothing to do with me and thats one of the hardest things I had to face..
All of a suden then I met my 2nd bf. He was great, a breathe of fresh air. Sweet, dorky, genuin.. or it seemed. He just got out of a relashinship with his gf of a year and would tell me how much he was over her to the point were it was like okay.. so your telling me you are but your SO not! lol. It sucked. After a month of dating we ended things mutually and there is no really hard feelings.
now I am single and have been getting less attention from the boys actually..
well see though I think it might be good for me to be single for just a bit, and when I say a bit.. I mean.. a very teeny bit lol, i hate being alone, but well see how it goes..
So about 3 months ago, me and my long time boyfriend broke up, can you spell D-U-C-H-E B-A-G.
He was the all master cheater, he would manipulate me and make me feel as if i did something wrong when I would question him for the littlest things. I should of seen it coming, well since I actually cheated with him on his ex gf. I felt horrible for it for along time, but shit does happen and Carma is a bitch.
He was just there for me and with me threw the hardest times in my life, he was my first love but I let him get away with way to much, I always looked the other way, and thats not a way to treat a relationship. But with him I felt like it was different, I felt so in love.. but like i once herd, love is blind.
We broke up because he was going to be going to the army but then that night his ex girlfriend emials me asking if me and him were over, I said yes but we were still physical and still wanted to be with each other, we just figured it would be really hard with him leaving, so that we would end things now, wich was nothing but the truth..
she then goes on to tell me he has been telling her he loves her and not me for the past 2 months. He took my virginity while he was in a relationship with her but I did not know.. bc me and him were on a break.
After this I told him I wanted him out of my life for good.
he cried and begged for me to be his friend bc that other girl did not want him anymore.
I stupidly agreed.
&we became physical again..
He would sneak over ( like we always use to do) at 3am and would talk for hours in my brothers room without my mom knowing and make love.
He would tell me he loves this other girl, but i did not hear it, i didnt want too, I loved him so much.
Soon later he calls me and tells me the girl wants him back. I couldnt belive it. He asked me to keep everything we just did to myself. I couldnt, I didnt want to, I loved him, how could he love someone else.. it was beyond me.. I was truly heart broken, I dont think Ive ever cried so hard in my life.
After I told her he told me to go die and we havent really talked since. I might still love him but he wants nothing to do with me and thats one of the hardest things I had to face..
All of a suden then I met my 2nd bf. He was great, a breathe of fresh air. Sweet, dorky, genuin.. or it seemed. He just got out of a relashinship with his gf of a year and would tell me how much he was over her to the point were it was like okay.. so your telling me you are but your SO not! lol. It sucked. After a month of dating we ended things mutually and there is no really hard feelings.
now I am single and have been getting less attention from the boys actually..
well see though I think it might be good for me to be single for just a bit, and when I say a bit.. I mean.. a very teeny bit lol, i hate being alone, but well see how it goes..
slacking :(
its 9:32pm my time and just ate a shit load of cake, tomorrow i am going to the hospital to seak help for my bulimia. I have been slacking latley, ive been getting so tired of this. Before the feeling was amazing, I have never felt such a release.. but now im just so sick of it.
I want to go anerexic again and i am highly considering it..
maybe after this week in the hospital I will gain the will power i need to do it.
But at the same time I am a bit scared i will become the zombie i once was when i was anorexic. I had no feelings and got so lost with who i was. I still am, but i am much more aware of who I am now. I do not want to go crazy but I do want to feel beautiful again, I want to be thin and in control.
I want to go anerexic again and i am highly considering it..
maybe after this week in the hospital I will gain the will power i need to do it.
But at the same time I am a bit scared i will become the zombie i once was when i was anorexic. I had no feelings and got so lost with who i was. I still am, but i am much more aware of who I am now. I do not want to go crazy but I do want to feel beautiful again, I want to be thin and in control.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
im back :)
I have not been bloging at all lately but as my bulimia is getting worse, I thought I could meet some people this way. I have gained 5 pounds in a week. This is not working. I strive to be skinny, but with the thought that I can eat anything than throw it up is still in me, I do this about 5 times a day, multiple times. Sometimes I get so sick of it and give up. I need to stop before I gain to much wieght. I am at about 120 and 5'3 now. I look back at my pictures when I was anorexic and think who is that girl? so beautiful and confident. I was 90 pounds and happy.
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