SO FRUSTERATED!!

so today I wolfed down a cake and milk, cereal peanut butter and a banana and barley threw up. My mom is thinking of sending me to a 4 week program in the hospital bc I am out of control. Does anyone have any suggestions? I dont know what to do. I want to lose 15 pounds now. im probably up to like 120 now. im 5'3 and that's a shit load for me. Im use to being only 90- 110 pounds. this is the most ive wieghd for a long time. Im so frustrated bc food is just my life as of now. I dont know what to do. I feel fat, ugly, unwanted, low, far from myself. far from perfection.

anyone out there?

Lately, its been real tough over here.

I feel like I need someone who understand me.

anyone out there?

things have been.. well..

hey guys!

so i havent wrote here for awhile. Everything is as crazy as ever.
Ive been throwing up a couple times a day and think i probly gained some un wanted wiehgt last night as dinner, bc I couldnt throw up after it :/ Im starting group on sunday and im really excited about that! as badly as i want to be skinny, I want to do it the healthy way. I find i am jus tloney and look at food as my friend, whom I also hate. :P sometimes i feel as if i am going crazy here, with my dad doing chemo, me in a new school and trying to "fit in" trying to loose wieght and find myself all at the same time is tough. Man whoever said its hard being a teenager, got that one right!

days #2 and its not so bad :D

so its been a couple of days back in the hospital and ive had my ups and downs, everyone has been watching everything ive been eating and making sure i dont throw up, ive been okay though, some times i get the urge but i want to get better and i hope im making it happen! with happy thoughts and my sister and mom by my side, its been very helpful :D

will fill you guys in when i get the chance.

xox. <3

I use to be so thin.. I miss it..

these pictures are of me when i was down to about 95-90 pounds. I loved it, my goal to get back down to 100- 110.. hm..

I hope this works...

So i woke up today with bad thoughts.

I cant help it, all i think about these days is food.
It sorta calms me down in a way.

Today im going to the hospital.
I have mixed feelings about it.

I no loner really make myself throw up bc im so sick of doing it,
but I stil eat everything, im sure ive gained a couple more pounds.
Its not even that im hungry or anything like that, but simply feel as if someone else is in my body.. I cant even explain it.. Its weird.

I just hope that this week gets me better.
ill be filling you guys in with everything.

take care guys!

my puppy and my passion :)